Oh happy Sunday – I hope you’re all well. Currently I’m probably sat on a plain with the destination being London. Believe it or not but I’ve actually never been there, which is a bit odd since it’s only about 2 hours with a plane… Never mind, that’s not today topic or in a way it is. Because as most of you know, from my last blog post, I have a thing called anxiety. It’s a very common thing to have, however no one’s the same. And that’s why I’m writing this, to tell you about my journey and progress. Because if there’s one thing I’ve found helpful with all this, is to have someone to share it with, and as I’ve explained before I don’t really have any friends that will understand it the same way as some of you may do. Another thing is that in my last post about anxiety a lot of you told me, that it was so relieving to hear someone talk so open about it. So I’m here again, back on track with new parts of my journey. Enjoy!
So about a week ago I returned from an amazing exchanging trip to Germany. You might be thinking: Well, how does that have anything to do with you feeling anxious, if you’ve just said that it was amazing? So, where to start. At first I don’t think I’ve ever felt so nervous about something, like I couldn’t sleep well 4 nights before leaving. But the weird thing about my anxiety is, that when the day of the day finally came I stopped feeling nervous. Which 4 nights before I would never have expected. So yeah, the trip in it self was amazing, like it was so mind blowing. The fact that I only knew my host family for three days, and their home felt like MY home. However, enough about that… If you would like me to do another post about the trip, please let me know in the comments.
The main reason why I’m including my trip is A. Because if you’d asked me about 3 months ago I wouldn’t have left. B. Because I experienced a panic attack while staying there. Yup, in the underground at rush hour I started full on crying and then it was like I couldn’t control my breathing, so I started to hyperventilate and then before I knew it I was sat on my knees looking like a ghost. Luckily my teacher were there and one of my best friends (which knew exactly what was going on) So she made me breath in the same rhythm as her. However it felt like I couldn’t use the bottom of my lungs for like 3-4 hours (which you can imagine was a horrible feeling)
After that panic attack I got so mad at myself because I was like: Why didn’t you get a hold of it? It all went so well, until you screwed up… Which now that I’m sat here at home I’m like: No, you did SO well, Karen. You went to another country only speaking German and lived in another family’s home. Like, well done! The reason why I felt so annoyed, was probably because I had planned that if I ‘survived’ the exchanging trip and then London, which I’m on my way to now. I wouldn’t have to go to see a therapist. But, now that I’m thinking about it, they are there to help you. I just think I was/still am a bit like: No, I don’t have anxiety for real I just get past scared in certain situations. However I think we all now can agree on that I have anxiety for real.
After returning from the exchanging trip I’ve also gotten a little wiser on why I get so scared in specific situations. It’s situations I A. Can’t control what will happen: like a plane, tube or generally big groups of people. B. When I can’t protect myself anymore. Like that’s such a big frustration of mine. I hate the fact that when I’m outside of my home it’s my and others job to protect me…. I hope you kind of get what I mean.
Now, let’s talk about the progress. Because even though I experienced my worst panic attack ever! It doesn’t mean that I have failed. I did so well up until that point, and actually also while it was going on. And as I’m writing this it’s Thursday, and I don’t even feel that nervous for London. Like that’s a completely new thing to me. For about only 6 months ago, even walking across a bridge could make me go pale as a ghost and you wouldn’t get one single sound out of me (with an exception of sh*t or f*ck) Til now not even feeling SO nervous about it, almost exited to be honest. If that’s not progressing I don’t know what is.
However this series is not all about me and how I’m doing. How are you? Like actually where are you in your life right now? Please let me know in the comments. Because this post and blog is just as much about me as you. I want to create a platform where everyone can talk about how they are but also to inspire each other. That’s probably my main goal in life: To do or make something that makes people feel inspired.
Thank you SO much for reading this post, I hope you’ve found it helpful and maybe motivating to go talk about how your anxiety is going. You are so brave and so amazing, and even though we havn’t met in person I feel so proud of you and what you’re doing. Please like this post, and comment how ya’ feelin’. If you don’t want to miss any every Sunday posts then please follow or subscribe with your e-mail. Talk to you next Sunday.
XoXo Karen W.